Venice banal eh?
If any of you are reading this I’m quite cross with some of you contemporary art types. My man Grayson has just returned from the pearl of the Adriatic feeling a bit miserable. His overcast mood is not due to Venice though it can be a freaking depressing place what with its relentless self regard, surly service and overpriced everything. He was staying on San Giorgio di Maggiore in a monastery with its own deserted park and a cloister by Palladio, so it wasn’t for lack of comfort or aesthetic refinement. Nor was he down because of the exhibition he was showing in. Penelope’s Labour looked great, was well received and he had fun with his friends. No, his demeanour was dampened by his impressions of his chosen tribe as exhibited at Venice Biennale. Grayson is out and proud as an art lover but this time the opening of the Biennale severely tested his loyalty to the congregation of the white cube. He returned to comfy old blighty ranting on about having been at a student fresher’s week mashed up with a casting call for a Dolce and Gabbana advertising campaign. Whatever that means? He admits that he did not have the time and energy to traipse to any of the satellite events apart from those on his doorstep but on the evidence of the Giardini and the Arsenale our man in the embarrassing outfit felt downcast.
After debriefing him for a few hours I managed to persuade him not to turn against the church of fine art. (I didn’t tell him that I have a strong ulterior motive in that him being an exhibiting artist is a central plank of my foothold in the public consciousness.) As a god I need to step in from time to time to protect my representatives from undue emotional and spiritual distress. To this end I have put together a few tips for curators and contemporary artists especially when they are exhibiting in large events such as at biennales and art fairs.
1. You are in the art business you ain’t gonna save the world. In fact all the carbon burnt in
the name of a biennale will probably hasten mankind’s extinction so please no more studenty politics. We know war is bad and poverty is unfair and men can be horrid to women. Most arty farties are liberals don’t oblige them to feel any more guilty for flying round the world to look at a room full of mediocre photographs of suffering.
2. Cheer up! Seeing art is a leisure activity. I know it is much harder to make joyful positive uplifting art but please have a go. An Englishman like my bodyguard has a very highly tuned perception as to when seriousness becomes solemnity. He had to defend his sensibility with weapons grade cynicism, this is not good for his mental health. After a few hours in a biennale the overblown ‘meaningfulness’ of the majority of the exhibits had left him so angry he ended up kicking a load of fake Louis Vuitton handbags into the grand canal.
3. Get a decent transportation budget or don’t bother to come. Too many exhibits look like the main concern was to keep the shipping costs down which meant videos or installations made of cardboard, sticky tape and stuff you find in the Venice branch of B&Q.
4. Try and become skilful in at least one media. Many artists seem to get bored of just being painters, sculptors, film makers or arrangers of bits and bobs, so they have a go at everything hoping variety will mask their general ineptitude. The excuse of being ‘experimental’ no longer washes when it is the tired norm in the century old business of conceptual art.
5. People are hot and tired, they do not want to read your pretentious text panels or watch a video standing up. The reason Christian Marclay won a prize for The Clock apart from it being brilliant was that he supplied nice comfy sofas to watch it on. All videos should be classified and have a time limit posted up so that visitors know when to leave if “IT” has not happened by then. For what “IT” is read Tom Wolfe’s The Painted Word.
6. Try not to make art you have to queue for. After queuing for taxis, check-ins, security, vaparettos, tickets, restaurant tables and snack bars the last thing that will endear an artist to a biennale visitor is another-fucking-queue.
7. Good art is local. There seems to be a growing cohort of artists who have made a career from commissions to make ‘international biennale art’. This art usually has some crass political metaphor going on about oppression or, ironically, globalisation. The artist and curator will hold a press conference that smacks of an academic exam board or a jihadist promo. No one will ever want to buy this art.
8. ‘Originality’ someone once said ‘ is for people with short memories’. Assume it has been done before and therefore do it better, novelty is not enough. The audience at a biennale are professionally jaded, in the end a few well chosen pieces beautifully presented and, of course, air conditioning will win them over.
I really could go on and on
AM
